Sometimes when I read blogs or hear from friends, I often find myself thinking, "what the heck is wrong with me?" A lot of moms seem to find so much joy and bliss in motherhood and quite frankly on a day like today I can honestly say I strongly dislike it. Unfortunately for me, this is a far too common feeling. So is there something wrong with me? If so I'm sure the appropriate words sound something like: selfish, ungrateful, prideful, and so forth.
I always think that it's a good thing I didn't know the trials associated with being a stay-at-home (and I don't know if I should even add that part) mother before I jumped in, otherwise I don't know if I would have signed up. Did I even sign up? I often long for the days when I actually set my alarm and would willingly get out before everyone else to enjoy a great morning run. My girls aren't sleepers, I can't stand when they wake us up in the morning- usually around 6. They're usually not ornery, I should love being woken up by a cute voice but I'm tired and it's just the start of another long day of doing everything for them and nothing I want to do. Ugg. There's the selfishness.
This morning it took everything I have to resist the urge to pound my screaming two-year-old. I mean after an hour of screaming and kicking for who knows what and nothing working that normally works, I'm really proud she's still alive. I know most people go through this but here's my problem. Once I finally got her to calm down, we were lying there on my bed while she played with my hair. Most mom's would say something like "it just melted my heart and all the anger went away." Nope- not me. I'm glad I love her enough to want to hold her and that she loves me enough to want me to hold her, but I know that she'll throw another fit just like that this afternoon or while we go on a walk in a few minutes. There's the ungrateful part- can't I just count my blessings?
And now I'm eight days away from number three. Oh that poor, poor, child. Her mother should be saying something like, "I'm so excited for our new baby to join our family, I can't wait to hold her...etc. etc." I'm obviously excited but more nervous that I'll be an even worse mom with three.
So there's the honest truth. Someone help me- and my kids.
*Disclaimer- I do absolutely love my kids and I am genuinely happy to be their mother.
8 comments:
There is absolutely no rule that you have to love the age or stage that your child is in. Obviously you love your girlies, it is evident in their own happiness. Focus your "un-love" on the stage or behavior, not the child. Then you won't feel bad at all! Hate those terrible tantrums!!!!
Been there, felt that. Seriously. And anyone who says they haven't is lying or suffering from memory loss. Some stages are just really hard. Calvin is 2 and is just plain awful some days. Sometimes I am pretty sure I don't start feeling that motherly soft spot for him until he's in bed asleep. But it will get better. Just do what you can to stay sane. I've found that even though I find it pretty annoying a lot of times when they just want to do whatever I'm doing, if I can find a way to let them help with whatever I'm doing or find something I actually enjoy to do with them, it makes me feel like a better mom. And I think that's the key--making yourself feel better. Let's be honest, they won't remember what you do or say when they're two, but you will. Like the other night I had my 3 kids plus a 2 year old niece and 8 month old niece sleeping over. They had all been in bed for an hour and a half and were all still screaming. I was feeling so stressed out and was going crazy, until I just decided to get them all out of bed for a dance party and some stories. It was pretty fun. Guess what happened after that? I put them all back in bed and they all kept screaming. Big failure, right? But it actually made me feel like a better mom because I had tried to do something loving and fun with them. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I know it at least made me feel better. Oh, and I felt the same way when #3 was on the way, but the second I held her, it was just like with the first baby. love love love. So anyways, I hope this helps. Hang in there, Amber!
Oh Amber!!!!!
I wish I was there. Every mom feels this way, and if they say they do not,they are lying. Being a stay at home mom is hard!!!
The thing I hate about blogs is that people always post the "great, happy, unselfish, unconditional" when in reality, that is probably only a small portion of their day!
I'm proud of you for having courage to "say it like it is" Seriously makes me feel like a better mom to know that there are other moms out there that seriously dislike their kids sometimes!
I know you are a great mom. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Sure do love ya!
hmmm. looks like we have had the EXACT same week. seriously i want to hang myself most of the time for how i feel. But then I still have to wake up the next morning to the chaos that is life as a mom. I don't want to make one more thing to eat or wipe one more bum or pick up one more blasted toy. As I was holding malachi and the boys were playing with him I realized that i was sent this sweet #3 boy to save me from the anger and frustration. being with the baby is the only time all of us get along. the boys love him and stop fighting (unless they are fighting over the baby, which happens) and I am reminded of what a miracle children are. They come so sweet and innocent full of drive to learn and grow. I am reminded that I too can be like that and if I try I can develop a greater power over my natural man. I just wish it didn't feel so futile most of the time.
Its funny because even though you know others are going through the same struggles and feelings, somehow the frustration doesn't lift (at least for me) i cant shake the notion that I should be doing better. ahhh, so many things for me to fix in myself! but even if you feel this way, you still aren't alone. far from it. we all struggle and just have to keep moving forward. but just like Elder Holland says, we have to move forward with faith.
and just think... at least when the baby gets here you get some time in the hospital alone!! And it IS glorious!!!!! Soak it up while you can and do your best!
I can totally sympathize with you. I have the same feelings far too often than I'd like to admit. Being a mom is hard and I am not gifted with toddlers. I keep hoping that somehow I'll be better at a different stage. And I also keep thinking, Heavenly Father knew I could handle this. But many days it doesn't seem like I can. I wish I had the answer. If you figure it out, let me know. Just know that you are definitely not alone. I think all moms feel that way sometimes, and many of us feel that way a lot of the time. You will get through it. It has to get easier as they get older, right?
Linds
amen!
Amber, I seriously could write this post word for word 28 days out of the 30/31 days of the month. I'm so with you. Annie is in her terrible twos and is just plain hard - not to mention all the other stuff that is so hard about motherhood. Exhausting doesn't even begin to summarize all the challenges associated with being a mom. Sometimes I long to be getting up for work and heading out the door instead of Mike. It seems like he's got the easier end of the deal for sure. I try to compare/complain, but it's so so hard sometimes. Your girls know that they are loved. You're a good mom and they have a loving dad as well. And I love you for posting such honest feelings. It feels so good to know that other moms out there feel the same way I do.
Oh Amber! I appreciate your honesty. You're definitely not the only one thats had these feelings before. You'll do great with three--just one day at a time. =)
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